How not to wow at a university soiree

1. Forget about the event until three hours before it starts, so that you’re horribly underdressed:  no makeup, no earrings and no perfume. Oh, and no Ph.D. Only people with Ph.D.s are allowed to show up to these things in jeans and get away with it.

2. Arrive early and sweaty and a bit windblown from having walked rather than driven. Grab a water and stand awkwardly in a corner watching well-dressed people slowly filter into the room. Sweat.

3. See someone you know and strike up a conversation with him and then realize he has no idea who you are. Withdraw with loud nervous tittering

4. Find yourself stranded in front of a book table with three undergraduate student waiters; make some stupid comment about how a book on dental surgery makes for a nice bedtime read; withdraw with loud nervous tittering after waiters stare at you in horror.

5. Dash up to a young, rising star on the university faculty that you have interviewed at least three times before and bray, “Are you just NOW getting tenure?” Because you meant to imply, “Surely you’ve had tenure for a long time, you’re such a big hotshot around here!” But what it sounded like was, “What the hell is WRONG with you that you’re only now getting tenure, you big fat slacker?” Try to salvage the situation by shrieking, “But haven’t you had tenure since before you were born?”  Withdraw with loud nervous tittering and red sweaty face.

6. Stand next to people waiting for keynote address, jockeying around and occasionally brushing elbows, and say jovially, “I hate these things! I feel like a pool ball about to get racked up.” Wonder what the hell is WRONG with your mouth today.

7. Crack open a can of Diet Coke and hold it defensively against your bosom so that the beads of condensation end up as dark wet spots on the front of your shirt. Shades of breastfeeding nightmares.

8. Fill your hands so full of crap — Diet Coke, tape recorder, purse, bulky program brochure — that no one can shake your hand. Endure several awkward flailings while you try to renegotiate your load. Drip more condensation on yourself.

9. End up in front row of spectators as university president rushes forward to take podium. Catapult yourself backwards to avoid making contact; careen into people behind you. Make hushed but earnest apologies.

10. Somehow manage to wind up between the only two people whose cell phones go off in the middle of the program. Loudly. And neither of them know how to turn them off, so you get to stand there as Ode to Joy trumpets through at LEAST one full verse. Grab another Diet Coke and run for the door as soon as the speaker finishes saying “Thank you for com–”